Dating should not be taken lightly, and should only be considered after much prayer and consideration.
1. Only date when healthy. My goodness, I can’t tell you the number of single mothers that I have counseled that moved far too quickly from a divorce or break-up into a new relationship. It’s easy to do. Overwhelmed and exhausted with the weight of the world on your shoulders, why not find a man to fix the loneliness? Your pursuit of a new relationship won’t erase the existing hurt of an old one. It won’t heal it. Unfortunately, too many second marriages or new relationships pay the price for a broken-hearted mom who didn’t take the time to mend.
How to know when I am healthy:
- I’m 100% okay with being alone.
- I don’t think about my ex. I don’t rehash what he did to me or the kids, how I was hurt. I just don’t think about it. I’m not affected by him one way or another. I’m indifferent. You don’t have to talk about him to anyone and everyone who will listen. If it still bothers you that he’s remarried, moved on, or breathes, then you are likely not healed.
- I’m not looking for someone to pay my bills, complete me, or be a father to my children.
Being healthy is all areas is important – physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, and parental.
Proverbs 31: 11, “Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life.” Enrich means to add to. This means you are complete, whole, healthy, and you are looking to “add to” someone’s life, not have them add to yours.
2. Set boundaries early. Don’t wait to be head-over-heels for a guy before deciding what your boundaries will be. Too little too late. Compromise happens when preparation and planning lacks. Pray about what you want from a relationship. Pray about what God wants. Then, outline what are the healthiest boundaries for you and your child(ren). Your boundaries may look different from someone else’s. List them out long before you decide to date again.
Examples of boundaries:
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Physical touch – kissing, hand-holding, hugging.
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The number of times per week/month you will date versus time spent with your child for a healthy balance.
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How does he handle himself in a group? Will group dating or introducing him to your friends or family first be a priority?
4. Proceed with caution. The devastation of a divorce or a failed relationship can take years to heal. The remnants that remain can have lasting effects. The worst thing that could happen to yourself or your precious kiddos is to have to go through it again. Don’t throw caution to the wind. Pray. Seek. Listen. Be still before God and hear what He has for you, not what you desire for yourself. God speaks to those who listen, who have ears to hear.
5. Don’t ignore the red flags. We all have a friend who is dating the wrong guy, and everyone knows it but her! Newsflash: she knows it, too! If you embark upon a new relationship and the guy is constantly rude, late, unemployed, untrustworthy, not kid-friendly, pushing sexual boundaries, or anything else you deem inappropriate, don’t make excuses and pretend it will go away. It won’t. The thing – whatever the thing is — will only get worse as time goes on.
6. Don’t be ruled by emotions. Jeremiah 17:9 teaches us that being ruled by our hearts can be misleading or deceitful. Jumping into the water with both feet, because he gives you the “tingles” will likely leave you disappointed in the end. Again, take your time. I remember hearing a women’s pastor share about how she met her husband. They met in college, and he was totally not her type. He was a “preppy” kid, and she was definitely more into cowboys with a bad-boy persona. She only went out with him as a favor to a friend. Although he was nice, she found herself uninterested and waiting for the date to be over. When she arrived back to her dorm room that evening, he had sent her a dozen roses with a card that said, “Thanks for the amazing first date.” As time passed, she went out with him a few more times, and God slowly changed her heart, as she sought the will of her Heavenly Father. The man that she once had no interest in suddenly became the man of her dreams. Her heart skipped a beat as she saw him. They have been married for more than 10 years now. Thank God, she didn’t let her emotions ruin God’s good thing for her life.
7. When God speaks, respond. The Holy Spirit gives us a “gut check” when things aren’t quite right. Go with that. It is the leading and guiding of the Holy Spirit that gives you clear discernment. Don’t discount its significance.
8. Choose someone who walks with the Lord. This seems like a no-brainer, but it is always surprising to me the number of women (single moms) who think they can “fix” a guy. He’s a nice guy. He’s a good guy. He’s hard-working. But…he doesn’t go to church, read the Word, pray for God’s discernment when making decisions, etc.
9. Finding a godly man is about being a godly woman. Be wise. Don’t be in a hurry. Take your time. Strengthen your spiritual walk with God before looking for a spouse. God will bring Godly man to you in His perfect timing.
How to identify that you do not have a Godly man:
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He has sex with you outside marriage and has no desire to rectify the situation. (1 Corinthians 6:18 says no other sin so clearly affects the body as sexual sin).
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He won’t work. Proverbs 12:11 “A hard worker has plenty of food, but a person who chases fantasies has no sense.”
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He beats you or abuses you emotionally or spiritually. Proverbs 15:18 “A hot-tempered person starts fights; a cool-tempered person stops them.”
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He won’t take care of his kids (all of his kids). Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather than bringing them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.”
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He does not serve the Lord. Matthew 7:20 “Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions.”
Journal – what lists to make:
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What are the things that are most important to me in a mate?
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What will I not compromise on?
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Am I stubborn and unwilling to yield?
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Do I have problems with authority or submission?
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Do I have time in this season to date?
Jennifer Maggio is a mom to three, wife to Jeff, and founder of the national nonprofit, The Life of a Single Mom Ministries. She is author to four books, including The Church and the Single Mom. She was named one of the Top 10 Most Influential People in America by Dr. John Maxwell in 2017 and 2015 and has appeared in hundreds of media venues, including The New York Times, Family Talk Radio with Dr. James Dobson, Joni and Friends, and many others.