It was Christmas Day and my first Christmas alone, as a single mom. Well, on second thought, I guess I wasn’t alone. I had my 11-month old son with me, but he didn’t offer much in the way of conversation. It felt like the darkest of days. I remember going to bed the night before – dreading waking up to an empty apartment and what seemed like absolutely no hope. I felt completely forgotten, like no one cared. There was no money to buy Christmas gifts for loved ones and no family to spend the day with. There was no warm meal slowly baking in the oven or laughter flowing through the halls. My sweet baby crawled around that little government-subsidized apartment, not knowing the pain in which his mom endured. I cried for most of that Christmas day. I went to a friend’s home for a couple of hours that afternoon, but I ultimately finished the day on the sofa in tears, alone. That was not my only Christmas alone as a single mom and it certainly wasn’t my only Christmas feeling very, very lonely.
Loneliness lingers perhaps no more prevalently than during the holiday season. I’ve been there. Many times. In fact, I’ve been through lonely seasons, even when I wasn’t a single mom and even when I wasn’t completely alone. Loneliness is emotional. It is the feeling of being alone and frankly, we can be in a room full of people and still feel quite lonely. So how do we fight it? Before I even begin the list, let me say this to you. I fully recognize that not one of these ways to battle loneliness will mysteriously and instantaneously pull you out of a pit of despair and loneliness on its own. However, it’s the culmination of making a conscious choice to do one after the other after the other that will help you battle well. Here are a few things that have helped me during my lonely seasons:
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Be proactive. Christmas is coming. Rather than dreading its arrival, put together a list of free and low-cost activities going on in your community that you can participate in. Many churches are hosting holiday concerts, caroling, Christmas plays, and other events to make the holiday season more meaningful. Take the time to plan now for ways to stay engaged and active. Isolation can be the biggest challenge during this time.
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Stop meditating on what isn’t. If you are anything like me, then you may tend to meditate on what isn’t instead of what is. If I’m not careful, I will spend much more time focused on what isn’t going right, what hasn’t worked out, or who isn’t supporting me. In fact, I will fixate on all the wrongs, however minor, instead of focusing on all the rights. There is much good in our lives. There is much to be thankful about and to praise God for. We must take captive every thought, that it would be fully submissive to the truth of God’s word. We are blessed and highly favored. What do you have that is good? Health? Job? Friend? Family? Running water? A roof over your head? Laughter?
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Get active. The more we move our bodies, the better we feel. Exercise releases endorphins that create a positive mood. A sedentary lifestyle often means we don’t feel good physically or mentally, which can in turn, cause us to want to isolate. Go for a walk. Get out an old exercise DVD. Meet some friends at a park or local gym. Get your body moving.
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Serve someone else. Part of the challenge we have in battling loneliness is solely focusing on ourselves – how we feel, what we don’t have, what others have. Instead consider how you can use your time, talents, and skills to serve God by serving others? Can you volunteer at a local soup kitchen or homeless shelter? Can you babysit for a single parent? Can you visit an elderly person who may likewise be lonely? What can you do that may change someone else’s holiday season?
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Host dinner or lunch. Why wait on an invitation from others? Who have you not seen in a while that you enjoy spending time with? Offer a dinner or lunch at your house for some neighbors, old friends, or fellow single parents. Make it a game or karaoke night. Perhaps a Christmas movie marathon would be a great way to the holiday.
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Get some to-do list items accomplished. I always have a list of things I need to get done that I don’t have the time to address, due to a busy work schedule and kids’ activities. The holidays tends to be a time when things slow down, if only for a bit, so make it a point to get some things off your to-do list. Maybe there are some closets that need cleaning or reorganizing. Maybe there is some deep cleaning to be done. Maybe it’s time to go through the garage or kitchen cabinets. This could be the perfect time to write some goals or work on your budget for next year. The point is, there is much to be done, so don’t make your time idle.
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Create special days with family. Enjoy some time with the poeple closet to you. For those of you with children, many are out of school during the holiday season. Create a fun day for them that may include holiday baking, games, Christmas activities, writing cards to service men and women, dance parties, singing contests, games, reading books together, exercise, drawing, painting, and so much more. The activities aren’t what’s important. What’s important is creating a day that is focused on family.
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Be certain to stay connected to a local church. I am a huge proponent of this one! If single parents can stay connected in a local church, they are better equipped to battle loneliness. Support groups and Sunday School classes help us to get perspective. It helps us to hear others’ problems or to hear wisdom from someone who has been where we are. Satan’s plan is one of a divide-and-conquer strategy. If he can isolate us from church and loving Godly friends, we begin to see the glass as half-empty. No one will ever love me. I will always be alone. How could the church treat me that way? I don’t need God, anyway. On and on, the negative thoughts will go if we aren’t careful. If Satan can steal our joy, kill our hope, and destroy our plans for the future, he’s one. We are no longer a threat to him. We are no longer focused on what we can do in the Kingdom of God, but rather what we can’t do.
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Spend time with the Lord and in His word. Sometimes, our spiritual lives are depleted. We’ve submitted to the demands of the world and taken no time to feed our soul. It can leave us empty and bitter and angry and hurt and offended and wounded. Take some time this holiday season to soak in the truth of what God says about you. Take the time to read of His goodness and faithfulness. Meditate on his faithfulness to Daniel in the lion’s den and David in the wilderness and Noah on the boat and the Israelites in the desert. This same God loves and sees you. His presence fills us to overflowing.
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Rest. The busyness of life often leaves us exhausted and depleted. We are overworked, overbooked, and overran with demands. Sometimes, what could seem like seasons of loneliness are actually seasons of great exhaustion. Maybe the gift from the Lord for you this holiday season is rest, relaxation, and much-needed “me” time.
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Recognize you are never alone. God promises that he will never leave you. “Yeah, that sounds great, but I want human interaction!” You may be thinking. The Lord created you for relationship, relationship with each other and relationship with Him. However, the latter is the most important part of our life. The development of our relationship with the Lord is our strength, our comfort, and our peace. It is where our joy is found. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7 about how his singleness has allowed him to serve God better. Sure, we may be lonely for a season, but we are never alone.
You are not alone. Be intentional this year about getting connected to a local church and most importantly, getting connected to the heart of the Father. He loves you.
Jennifer Maggio is a mom to three, wife to Jeff, and founder of the national nonprofit, The Life of a Single Mom Ministries. She is author to four books, including The Church and the Single Mom. She was named one of the Top 10 Most Influential People in America by Dr. John Maxwell in 2017 and 2015 and has appeared in hundreds of media venues, including The New York Times, Family Talk Radio with Dr. James Dobson, Joni and Friends, and many others.